So the first week was a big blur for me. Time did not matter anymore. My clock was now set to little C's time. By the time we got home from my midwife's house, I had not slept in 60 hours so I was tired to say the least. Thank goodness for adrenaline! Now started the cycle of round the clock feedings and diaper changes...feedings every 2 hours for little C, sigh. She cluster fed in the evenings from 9pm until 2am...yikes. I will never forget the one evening that came and went with us awake until 5am with a crying hungry baby who would not stop eating. The is nothing a parent can do but accept such a fate and give into the needs of a newborn.
I think of myself as a fairly strong person, emotionally that is, but I must say I was beat down by my daughter. Mommyhood was a hard thing to swallow for me, which was strange since I wanted to be a mommy. I did want I had to because I had , knowing it would get better but it was still unimaginably hard. Oh, I forgot to mention that after the surgery I had to have help going to the bathroom, almost passed out every time I took a shower, it was all I could do to sit on a mound of foamy pillows on the couch without cringing. This pain slowly got better but it made it all worse. I remember the joy of post-baby hormones where I would be both crying and laughing at the same time...this lasted for weeks.
Often times I felt like an island in my world. No one told me how lonely mommyhood can be even when you are surrounded by a great support network. There are just so many times when only mommy will do, especially when nursing....this was a hard pill for me to swallow.
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