a year in review I

I am sure this is a typical blog topic for people.  Reviewing the year and hoping for better in the next.  I do not know if I hope for better but I do hope that I have learned some from this year.  I look back a year ago today and I remember being at a point where I wondered if I should have become a mom; I was tired and missing being in the lab.I am probably one of the few people out there who gained weight after they became pregnant.  I think I gained about 25 lbs from November to March.  I am going to blame most of it on cortisol and adrenaline because I was not eating that much but I was very stressed, depressed, and tired.  I have lost about half of that, or at least I had until a week ago and I think I gained a few lbs back.  I find it depressing not to be able to fit into my clothes.  Sure I could by different ones but they are not the same.  My goal is to continue to lose the weight without crazy dieting.  Ideally, I would be smaller than before I became pregnant.  I am not out for the skinny look found in magazines, just the old Emily back.

Chloe is a hoot!  I can't wait until; she can verbalize all she is trying to say in C-lingo.  I could not have imagined how blessed I would be with my little punkie in my life.

I began several weeks ago reading the Chronological Bible with the goal of finishing it in a year, if not sooner.  I decided to start before the beginning of the year while I was still motivated.  It should be fun.

I hope I find a lab that has funding soon.  I truly want to finish my PhD but feel stuck in limbo without a project or funding....hopefully this will change soon.

Moving...if our house sells.  We plan to put it on the market this spring so we can move closer to my mom's house.  I have spent the holiday break purging the house of donateable stuff and trash.  Soon, I plan on fixing all the minor things...such as caulk and paint tough ups to get things moving along.

Overall, I am thankful for this year, what it has been, and that it is over.

The dreaded tree...

Warning: about to complain

Tree shedding.  Yes, I know Christmas trees shed.  It is part of the whole holiday experience but I often wonder if we happened to get the tree that sheds the most.  I have to keep the vacuum set up by the tree to pick up the mess a few times a day.  I have given up on the tree skirt as of this morning.  (Gifts are on a book shelf b/c of 14 month old)  I do not think that I have ocd about it but the little branches (yes, branches not needles b/c of the kind we got) are poky, get everywhere, and hurt really bad. 

Part of the shedding problem: Chloe, Gus (ever growing hound puppy), and cats.  They have it out for me.  I vacuum and Chloe will immediately shake the lower branches to see the pieces fall...grrr.  Gus thinks he has to walk under it a few hundred times a day to itch his back.  Both things together has made the bottom branches of our tree mere twigs.  I am also convinced that the cats climb, stalk, and attack the tree at night while we are asleep adding to its malformation and shedding problem.

Upside of it all: Chloe loves her tree and I am hardly allergic to this variety. :)

Tree Hunt

I am not much for hunting.  I do not understand the 'game' mentality of it all but do not have a problem if you are going to use all the parts of what you have hunted rather than just stuff it and hang it on the wall.  So the Saturday after Thanksgiving we went out to hunt for a tree.  I have not cut down my own tree since I was a lid so after nap time we packed up the car and drove to a local tree farm.  Finding a tree was a tough choice.  I am allergic to most things including evergreens.  A few years ago we got a live tree and by the end of its existence in our house I was on the verge of death.  There are a few varieties out there that are more hypoallergenic. 

We sent Chloe out to find a tree.  Hard work for a 14 month old.

We were trying to find one just her size rather than the 7+ ft. tall ones.  

So we went to the area with tiny trees.

Of course she would have to pick the Charlie Brown tree and fall in love with it.  

She was a little upset when we moved on to more 'healthy' trees.

 

So we looked some more and this one seemed to also be approved by our little tree hunter.  

(Thankfully, it is one of the more hypoallergenic varieties.)

Daddy chopped it down for us while we watched and had snack time.

Grammy was there to keep the tree from falling on daddy's head.

At the end we had a family picture.

Overall, it was a fun time.  We will definitely be cutting down our own trees until Chloe is tired of the experience like I became as an older teenager.  We have had the tree about three weeks now and I have hardly had any allergy problems.  Woot! 

What a year...phew

So I am writing this as I procrastinate. I should be writing the introduction to my thesis, but at least I am writing something. Maybe it will help get my creative juices flowing and inspire me to stay up tonight and work on it.

So this past year has been a whirlwind. There are two sides to every coin so the first side will be my personal life and the other will be my science side.

1st side:
~dad passed away
~finished upstairs remodel project
~had a kid 1 month later...22 hrs of natural labor w/ 3 hrs of pushing (and would not have changed having a midwife for anything)
~being a new mommy with the anti-sleeping eat every two hours around the clock monster
~bad post pardum depression
~gain of 25lbs after C was born....depressing
~time flying like crazy
~Ollie getting hit by a car
~new puppy added a month ago
~C is almost a year old
~she is walking now and saying words
~my baby is gone...so sad but so much more fun to come in the toddler years
~wish I could go back and appreciate C when she was a baby and not just try to survive
~excited to she what type of person C will grow up to be
~love being a mommy to C!

2nd side:
~I am so behind on my graduate degree that it is embarrassing
~the past year has been a bust for getting stuff done
~I fell like I should have finished months ago and should have taken my prelims by now
~all I want to do is finish but part of me is stuck in not seeming to find the time to work on anything
~need to work on stuff rather than procrastinate (like I am doing now)
~really tired of the protein Rab9 but appreciate its function
~I MISS being in the lab, but know my long days and nights there are gone; sadness
~how I feel every day: Will I ever finish?!?

My two sides of the coin are in constant turmoil. Perpetual flipping all day, every day. I just cannot seem to have a good grasp on being there 100% for C and being a researcher. I know someday I will, but it is a current struggle. I do not know which side of the coin will win in the end. Maybe the coin never has to land but can keep flipping....

Memory of my dad

Can't believe it has been a year. So much Chloe has missed not having him around.

So sad...he will always be missed. What more can be said...

Below from my dad's friend:
http://woodbeecarver.com/?p=1889

WoodBeeCarver

« WHITTLE FOLK TREE NOGGINS

ARTISTRY IN WOOD - Dayton, Ohio »

JOHN ROTH - In Memory of a Carving Friend

JOHN ROTH (November 2, 1944 - September 5, 2009) carved a lasting memory on the hearts of his loved ones and friends. Especially in the carving community, John is remembered as a premier Chip Carver whose quiet and sincere friendship endeared him to all who knew him.

As a tribute to his memory and in appreciation for his precise, delicate and beautiful art of Chip Carving, photographs of his carvings are presented here with humble gratitude for having known him. These photographs were from Artistry in Wood, Dayton, Ohio and Dollywood Carving Showcase Shows from 2005 through 2008.

WITH GRATITUDE WE SAY, “THANK YOU, JOHN.”

Little Miss Chatty

So yesterday daddy came home for lunch, making C a very happy little girl. She loves her daddy very much! She was also very conversational as seen in the video. (sorry for the mess, we just had our carpets cleaned so the furniture is piled up and out of the way)

How Little C fell asleep...

So C took 2 hours to get to sleep last night. Typically she is out cold in less than 15 mins so it was rather frustrating. The reason: she was mastering a new skill of hers. The skill: leaning on her elbows with her butt up in the air in semi-crawling position. The poor thing was so tired she did not wake up to eat until 4:30am (she typically eats around 1am) and slept in until 7:30am.

When I went to check on her before I went to bed, as I always do, this is how I found her:

So she had jammed herself in the narrowest portion of the crib and had her face smashed into her fizzy bear and pink blankie. Oh, her blanket was also kicked off. I flipped her over, tucked her back in and she never woke up.

C's gold standard foods

Papaya and mango have to be her favorite foods so far and I can almost always (minus during her food strike) get her to eat them. So easy to make too.

papaya: peel, gutt, slice, steam in Beaba, add steamed stuff to steam liquid, puree, portion, freeze
mango: same as papaya

Recent Cookings...

So I have recently made a few new baby foods for C. Of course I use my Beaba and only organic ingredients. Unfortunately, she went on a food strike for about a week so I have not had time to try these...I will update her reviews later.

1. Winter Squash
(makes 2 batches)
~1 winter squash
~slice in half, gut
~bake at 400F in 1-2 in of H2O until soft (40-60 mins)
~scoop out insides into Beaba
~puree
~add water until desired consistency reached
~portion out and freeze




2. Parsnips

~3 parsnips
~peel and slice in half
~place in foil packet
~drizzle with olive oil
~close packet
~bake at 400F for about 30 mins or until soft
~place in Beaba
~puree
~add water until desired consistency is reached
~portion out and freeze




3. Sweet Potatoes with Cinnamon
(makes 3 batches)
~2 medium/large organic sweet potatoes
~stab with fork and knife
~place in foil packet, close
~bake at 420F until soft
~cut in half
~scrape insides into Beaba
for each batch add:
~.75 cups H2O
~2 scoops Enfamil Premium formula
~2 tbs Gerber rice cereal with added DHA etc.
~1 tbs ground cinnamon
~puree and add additional water to reach optimal consistency
~portion out and freeze

I love my Beaba Babycook!

So I love my Beaba Babycook! I know it is not a necessary mommy item and is rather pricey at $150 + tax and $60+ tax for 3 freezing containers but I say it is well worth the money. It is BPA free and dishwasher safe. It is so much fun!!

I personally want to know what is going into my baby and want her to grow up eating healthy, organic, freshly made foods. Also, you cannot find babyfood such as papaya or mango in the store and there is a small window of time where babies/kids are willing to try new and different foods. Odd foods such as mango and papaya should be common not odd for a kid. Anyway, off my soapbox for now.

We have done solid food for 2.5 months now and so far we have had rice, peas, green beans, pears, peaches, apricots, apples, sweet potato, carrots, blueberries, raspberries, mango, papaya, pumpkin, yogurt, lamb, and I am sure a few more things I cannot remember. Currently her meals consist of:
5 oz bottle upon waking
3-4 oz fruit/veggie + yogurt and 5 oz bottle at ~10:30am
3-4 oz fruit/veggie + yogurt and 5 oz bottle at ~1:30pm
3-4 oz fruit/veggie + meat and 5 oz bottle at ~4:30pm
6 oz bottle at bedtime
5-6 oz in middle of night (sometime between 2 and 4am)
+ ~4 oz of water during the day

I plan on taking away the first yogurt meal and replacing it with a grain/legume +fruit/veggie meal in the next few weeks. Oh, her bottle is of Enfamil Premium formula...yea no more expensive Gentelese :)

the braces diet

So I have never been much for dieting...never have gone on a diet...but I found this new one I thought I would try. It is called the braces diet. It costs $4500, takes 2 years, and promises that you will be on a liquid diet at least one week out of each month. An added bonus: at the end of it your teeth will be aligned so that you can bite through the lettuce on your sandwich. Hope it works!

blog update...finally

So I moved my posts from my other blog site to this one. I was a little upset when I found out that I had to pay in order to use nifty themes other than the ones they provided...I think not....so I changed sites.

So the past week Little C has been known as the Anti-napper. In fact, as I am typing this she is trying desperately not to nap. Apparently there are more interesting things going on in world besides sleep. As a mommy, I would disagree with that most of the time. Oh how she will look back on this someday and wish that all she could do was nap. To bad for me she thinks otherwise.

She has always been a good sleeper until recently. The problem is that she has learned how to keep herself awake. Although this is a life skill she will need later on when studying for tests and writing papers she dies not need this skill at 6 months of age. I know she just wants to play but really, I just want to tell her 'you are going to eventually fall asleep will you please just get it over with and stop squealing'. She always ends up falling asleep whether it be after 5 minute or a painstaking 45. I am really hoping this is a phase and she goes back to being my little sleepy bunny again.

the transition

So I decided to try little C on a full lactose formula. My first little experiment on our girlie. She seems to be doing rather well. I started with 1/3 new and 2/3 old and she did not have any problems so after several days I switched it to 2/3 new to 1/3 old. We will do this ratio until the old formula is gone. I estimate that to be about another few weeks or so. At that point we will do the full lactose formula.

I am rather excited she is taking to it so well since it is much less expensive than her other formula and it mixes a lot easier.

It has been several weeks and she is doing great and an added bonus...you can get her new formula at Costco...yippie! I love saving money!

the discovery that would change everything

So little C was healthy but not all that happy. I would not say she had colic; a word which is a pet peeve of mine for there is a reason your baby is unhappy making you crazy by their screaming. So I was going nuts! I was calling my hubby and mom several times a day in tears over being a mom and thinking I made the worst mistake of my life (it was not the worst mistake, little C is very loved) and convincing myself that it would get better. She was eating/sleeping every 2 hours or so around the clock meaning that I was getting maybe 2-3 hours of combined sleep a day. I was exhausted to say the least.

At 5 weeks I had an almost nervous breakdown. Little C was constantly hungry, hiccuping, spitting up, and crying...something had to give. We had a meeting involving my mom and my hubby about this. They though we should try formula at the night feeding. Having been dead set on nursing for a year and very anti-formula I had been opposed but was finally willing to give it a try. We got some formula that had reduced lactose and broken down protein for soy is not an option for me to give to my kido. The next night I packed my stuff up, including little C's stuff, and moved in with my mom for a few nights to give me some rest since hubby had to work during the day.

Night 1: gave her formula at her bedtime feeding about 11pm and she slept until 4am. It was on the verge of being a miracle. She had not slept that long ever. At that point I nursed her and she started her every 2 hour, hiccuping thing again. Hum.

Night 2: gave her formula at bedtime and middle of the night feeding and she slept until 7am. Hum, she slept longer and was much happier. I still nursed her during the day and pumped.

Night 3: same as night 2 but during the day we gave her formula while I pumped: a new child was born! There were no hiccups, little spit up, and she was happy. She ate every 3 hours and slept more.

From that point on we did formula and I would supplement her with breast milk that I had pumped. This caused problems every time I did the supplementation. After about a month of it I stopped for a few days to see what would happen: no spit up or hiccups. Tearfully, I poured my month+ supply of frozen milk down the drain. Still saddens me.

We are now a formula family, kinda sad to say but there are worst things out there. My little C is now happy, rarely has tummy gas, hiccups, or any of the problems she had on my milk. We found out that the problem was both that she had a lactose intolerance and I was not producing enough to meet her demands wich = a very unhappy, hungry little C.

monnyhood...the beginning

So the first week was a big blur for me. Time did not matter anymore. My clock was now set to little C's time. By the time we got home from my midwife's house, I had not slept in 60 hours so I was tired to say the least. Thank goodness for adrenaline! Now started the cycle of round the clock feedings and diaper changes...feedings every 2 hours for little C, sigh. She cluster fed in the evenings from 9pm until 2am...yikes. I will never forget the one evening that came and went with us awake until 5am with a crying hungry baby who would not stop eating. The is nothing a parent can do but accept such a fate and give into the needs of a newborn.

I think of myself as a fairly strong person, emotionally that is, but I must say I was beat down by my daughter. Mommyhood was a hard thing to swallow for me, which was strange since I wanted to be a mommy. I did want I had to because I had , knowing it would get better but it was still unimaginably hard. Oh, I forgot to mention that after the surgery I had to have help going to the bathroom, almost passed out every time I took a shower, it was all I could do to sit on a mound of foamy pillows on the couch without cringing. This pain slowly got better but it made it all worse. I remember the joy of post-baby hormones where I would be both crying and laughing at the same time...this lasted for weeks.

Often times I felt like an island in my world. No one told me how lonely mommyhood can be even when you are surrounded by a great support network. There are just so many times when only mommy will do, especially when nursing....this was a hard pill for me to swallow.

the birth

so this might be a little graphic so beware...22hours of labor three of which were pushing...

So 40 weeks went and passed. At this point I was convinced that I was going to be pregnant and bloated forever. It is not fun being the hugely pregnant at the end of September in the South but I am very thankful for air conditioning. I was bored so I went over to my mom's to rearrange her furniture...crazy you may say but I also finished the upstairs addition of a bedroom, two closets, and a bathroom mostly by myself with the help of my mother while pregnant also. That evening I was getting ready for bed about 10:30pm and was doing my usual going to the bathroom a few times before bed. This time I peed more than I ever had but thought nothing of it at first (I have a large bladder) until I saw this white stuff in the toilet but no blood. I thought it was weird but continued to get ready for bed. A few minutes later I had to go potty again and the same thing happened. I called my mom who thought my water had broken. Then my husband called my midwife who told me to get in the car and start heading to Chattanooga. So my mom drove to our house, the car was packed, my Depends were on, car seat covered with a shower curtain and towels, kitties fed, house locked, and was headed to Carolyn's by 11:30 that night.

The car ride was uneventful. I was having contractions every 10 minutes or so and they lasted about 1 minute. We got there, she put us to bed and I tried to sleep...haha. I woke up about 7am in incredible discomfort. I tried to eat but do not remember what. I stood in the shower for what seemed like forever and it was both comforting and utterly painful as I felt like my rear was going to fall off during each contraction. Somewhere around the same time I went #2 and I must say that I did not know I could go that much...truly amazing to the point that I was wierded out a little.

The day was spent with me sitting on the edge of the bed moaning loudly. I would not let anyone tough me or talk to me unless my midwife had to take vital signs but even that was a stretch. My poor hubby was not allowed to leave the room but nor could he touch or talk to me. I hushed all noises and plotted how I could torture and kill the barking dog down the street (I am an animal lover when not in labor and the dog was not harmed). Going pee was torture and I am thankful I did not do structural damage to her windowsill or tp dispenser which were in my death grip at many points. Overall I tried to remain calm because with out that the contractions were many times worse.

Hours passed. Time seemed nonexistent that day. I was so 'in the zone' that nothing else mattered.

At some point I ended up in the tub which felt nice but my legs kept going numb and I did not push very well there so I cane out. I think the overall order of placed to push were tub, stool, bed, then stool. As effective as the stool was I hated it. It was painful to my rear and needed a better design. Anyway, pushing lasted three hours. I was tired, sweaty, and wanted it to be over with. I remember saying 'help me' a lot but I was told I have to give birth for them to make it feel better....true but not what I wanted to hear. Finally, I felt the head quickly move through my pelvic region and out a head popped. The rest of her squirted out almost immediately. Wow what a relief! She was placed on my left thigh, pink and crying. It was 8:55pm on Saturday.

It took us a minute to figure out we did not know if she was a boy or girl (we never found out with an ultrasound). When we saw that she was a girl we were so happy. Up until that moment I did not think I cared but I soon realized that I would have been disappointed wither any other outcome. hum... Anyway, she had a double APGAR score of 10..yea.

I handed her to my hubby, stood up to go over to the bed to deliver the placenta when a huge gob of blood (2 cups worth) came out at once all over her wood floors in once big splat. I was shocked, sat down and the next thing I know I was given some herbal stuff and shot in the leg a few times with pitocen to stop the bleeding. On my second attempt I made it to the bed adn the placenta delivery was wierd, gross, and something I would rather forget. I will say that it felt great after it was out. It all leaves you with this empty feeling...not emotionally...but space wise, rather wierd.

I think after that I fed little girlie, ate a pizza and a micro meal, drank gobs of oj and water, and was quite relieved. My midwife checked me for tearing. it was one of the worst she had seen. I had double 3rd degree tears internally, ones an episiotomy would not have prevented. I had to go to the hospital via our car. I almost passed out several times on the way to the car but I made it. When we got to the hospital ~1am I was checked in, processed, and brought to surgery. Little girlie was left at the house with my mom, hungry, and confused. It took them over an hour to stitch me up. I do not remember any of it. Little girlie was brought back to my room to nurse and I was discharged about 7am.

We left our midwife's house about 3pm and were home by 6pm after stopping at a drugstore to get my prescription and going somewhere to eat. The trip home was uncomfortable even with sitting on a pillow and prescription painkillers.

It was then that the true adventure was to begin...

to get a midwife

So the majority of my pregnancy I went to an OB/GYN. In fact I had to take Clomid to become pregnant. Somewhere around 26 weeks there was a final straw that made my husband join my camp of wanting a midwife birth. It involved my doctor, a lack of her wanting to support me in a drug free birth, stirrups, not wanting to answer my questions, etc. As upset as I was I must say I was overjoyed that hubby was finally on my side (long discussions and debates over this issue both pre and during prego). So the search was off. I phoned and interviewed many midwives. We narrowed the search down to two that we actually drove to and spoke with in person. Due to state law we had to got to Tennessee to have a 'home birth' and I wanted to be close enough to a hospital encase something happened. We finally decided on Birth Wellness, run by a wonderful woman. She opened her home to us and was just nifty.

So there it began. A bi weekly and then weekly drive to Chattanooga for the remainder of my pregnancy. Not to mention the added birth costs (~$3000 because our insurance does not cover midwives), gas, dining, my love of Clumpies Ice Cream, my car being totaled by someone, a new car payment, and discovery of an organic grocery store. Combined total of I do not want to think of how much it cost but overall very worth it.

finally going to blog

So I have been meaning to do this for about nine months now but I have finally found the time to do it. The glories of a 5.5 month old napping... In the past I have been rather opposed to the idea of a blog but have decided to put myself out there for once and use it as a venting spot for the trials and tribulations of mommyhood.